Communication is the key! - I’m sure you’ve heard this before. We cannot not communicate – that’s a fact of life.
Most people possess fairly good communication skills and are happy with that. Many will seek to improve and refine those skills through various training courses and classes on effective communication. There are tonnes of books and articles on this subject matter written from many different angles and yet, as a professional communicator, I always felt that something was missing here, so I’ve decided to fill this gap.
With all that's been already said and written about communication – how can we ever improve it and master this skill?
We need to look at communication from a different angle and ask unusual questions.
There is a higher, more subtle and powerful level of communication proficiency I call Magnetic Communication.
What makes communication magnetic? What attitudes and behaviours in our interaction with others will work in our favour and draw other people to us like a magnet? After all, communication is an exchange of energy between people, it carries information which we can control and so it should be possible.
Would you like to be a magnetic communicator?...
An important caveat: I’m addressing here the in-person, physical, face to face communication, rather than written or through electronic devices. This is the most important and sadly, most neglected and quickly disappearing type of human communication, and so it is worth putting some extra effort into it to keep it alive.
Magnetic communication is governed by few simple - although unique and perhaps surprising - strategies that are easy to learn and follow. Once you’ve mastered them and consistently apply in your daily life until they become a habit, they will make you irresistible - like a magnet - in your communication with others.
They are:
1. Understand communication as energy flow
2. Get over yourself!
3. Quickly establish rapport
4. First listen then speak
5. Use your voice skillfully
6. Use humour
7. Learn body language
8. Communicate by proxy
Let’s explore them one by one.
Understand communication as energy flow
Before breaking down communication into its many aspects such as rapport, listening and body language, it is important to understand communication holistically, as a flow and exchange of energy.
We communicate with others at many levels, by projecting our energy of thought and emotion into the Quantum Field that connects us all. Thought has an electric charge, emotion has a magnetic charge – together they form an electromagnetic wave of energy of higher or lower frequency.
Positive, high frequency energy of our communication makes it literally magnetic - irresistible, attractive, and well sought-after.
The key to achieving it is to be positive, open, authentic and respectful. Keep in mind that no matter how well you can hide your thoughts and emotional states in face to face interactions, most people will read them at the subconscious level and respond in accordance with the resonance this energy creates within them.
It’s important to remember that communication is a two-way street which requires at least two people – the sender and the receiver - to close the loop and make it happen. If you are talking to yourself or to the wall - that’s a monologue not communication. When you send an email to someone - that’s a message which becomes communication once you have received a reply.
But here is a quantum kicker: even when you are talking to yourself, i.e. thinking in a particular emotional state, you are still sending that information into the Quantum Field (some people call it the Universal Mind). All energy carries information and when accessed in the Quantum Field it can be decoded broadly or specifically, depending on who is tuned into your frequency.
Have you ever received a phone call from a friend within seconds of you thinking about them with warm, positive feelings or in a state of emergency needing their help? There is no coincidence here - they did receive your message and responded by contacting you thus changing your message to communication.
Get over yourself!
This is a blunt, yet powerful strategy with two polarities of behaviour.
It immediately dissolves the fear of not being good enough which affects our interaction with people. No-one is perfect and so don’t you even try! Did you know that a diamond with a unique flaw which makes it one of a kind, will attract a much higher price than a flawless one?
Your communication confidence is directly proportional to how comfortable you feel in your own skin with all its sparkles and flaws, so that’s what you need to focus on and stop being self-conscious.
On the other side of the spectrum - when speaking with someone, don’t be the centre of your own attention, as it shows and could be deemed inappropriate and arrogant.
Focus on the other person - your interlocutor - not on yourself. Open up the communication channel and just be who you are, be yourself, don’t pretend to be someone else (smarter, wiser, more...fill in the blanks) just to please them, impress or worse still mislead or deceive about your intentions. Laugh at your shortcomings and mistakes if they come out – you are human, after all!
Bear in mind that talking to someone has a different connotation and energy than talking with someone. The former implies superiority in the pecking order; the latter signals equality and peer-to-peer relationship. This difference can be projected and felt in both verbal and written communication, so be mindful of your position and approach.
Be genuinely interested in what the other person has to say and respect their views even if you disagree with them. That’s what creates magnetism!
Quickly establish rapport
What is rapport? It is a friendly, harmonious relationship characterised by agreement, mutual understanding, and empathy that makes communication possible and easy – according to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary.
Rapport is this mysterious, invisible, positive energetic connection between two people. It can be established instantaneously (like it’s always been there) or it can never happen throughout the first encounter. It pays handsomely to establish rapport as quickly as you can with your new prospect or client, customer, boss, colleague or any other person that comes into your life for few minutes, few days or forever.
Why? Because this invisible connection has the power to gloss over any shortcomings and inadequacies in your communication (and in you, by extension), making them unnoticeable and irrelevant. When someone is drawn to you at a deeper level, they only hear and see what reaffirms the attraction. You are more important than the conversation; bizarre, yet true. Good rapport lowers the defensive barriers and opens up the communication channel - which is exactly what you want.
How to establish rapport? The key is to look, sound and feel familiar to the other person, so that they can relate to you and feel comfortable in your presence.
Our conscious mind (ego) is very protective of our safety, security and wellbeing. Every person we encounter for the first time is unfamiliar and as such poses a potential threat. Consequently, the barriers go up as we keep our distance, while our ego analyses and assesses that unknown person and situation. The sooner we feel some familiarity with the other person, the sooner we feel comfortable with them and can engage more openly in a conversation.
Find something in common and start talking about it - a hobby, sport, movie or holiday destination. Be observant, pick up as much information about the other person as you can and watch for the signs of their engagement. They might move closer to you, maintain eye contact, smile and be generally relaxed. Mirror their body language (more about it later) and keep sending positive vibes throughout the encounter.
First listen, then speak
People like talking about themselves. That’s the ego’s What about me? need to be noticed, acknowledged and accepted. Use it to your advantage! Give the stage to the other person and listen to what they have to say, before offering your point of view or the story of your life. You will instantly gain their interest and appreciation.
Attentive listening is not just an effective communication skill - it is also magnetic. Be present for the person speaking with you!
When you listen to someone speak, don’t rehearse in your mind what you are going to say in reply – at least not from the start. Focus on the communication taking place – its content, style and the underlying emotions. If you focus on your own thoughts instead, you might miss something important. Be genuinely interested to learn about the other person through their story or their point of view. Be fully present for them, as genuine presence is the strongest glue cementing relationships.
So, what about me? I hear you say. Don’t worry; after several minutes of your undivided attention most people will return the favour and throw the ball into your court (at last!) saying Now, tell me about yourself. How did you end up here?
You may have seen a popular cartoon of a patient leaving his therapist's office. After one hour of uninterrupted monologue, the patient hands in the therapist - who didn’t utter a single word - a handsome cheque and thanks him for such a great session that helped the patient heal his troubled mind.
Ahh…the power of listening.
Use your voice skillfully
Very few people use their voice consciously in communication with others, unless they are actors, radio presenters or singers trained to use their vocal cords. And yet, it is often not what you say but how you say it that makes a difference; in fact, tonality accounts for 38 per cent of our communication.
When you say something with a rising inflection, your voice projects a subservient position seeking information, approval or agreement.
When your tone is flat, your communication is neutral (peer-to peer). You don’t care about the outcome.
When you say something with a falling inflection, it conveys authority and commands compliance. Even if grammatically it is a question, you are not asking or seeking an agreement. You are stating what is and what you expect the other person to do.
Say these three lines out laud with the corresponding inflection and notice how it feels. This is exactly the same sentence with the same words, and yet the inflection determines its nature and how your communication is received; as depending on the tonality of your voice you will get a different response.
Adjust your tonality for the person you are speaking with and the situation.
A commanding tone of voice can be annoying and create resistance in people who perceive you as their peer. Change your inflection from rising to falling when speaking to a naughty child and their compliance with your request will instantly increase.
Other important voice qualities you‘d want to master are:
(1) Volume. Loud voice can be overpowering. You want to speak just at the threshold of being clearly heard to draw attention and focus to what you are saying. Strategically lower the volume when you feel your audience are losing interest to draw them back to you. This sounds counterintuitive, but raising your voice in such moments has the opposite effect.
(2) Intensity. This is a less recognised voice quality, and most people don’t even treat it as such. It is not the same as passionate delivery and is different than volume. It is speaking from the front foot, rather than the back foot, which is much more relaxed and in control.
Speaking with intensity carries a lot of unnecessary energy, as if you were separated from your audience by a thick wall and wanted your voice to penetrate it in fear that you won’t be heard, even though they are standing right next to you. The voice is pushed out with force, rather than allowed to flow. I personally find such speakers difficult to listen to and after just a few minutes I feel exhausted.
(3) Pitch. Lower pitch is more pleasant and easy on the ear. It also conveys authority. High pitch, more common in females, is unconsciously associated with a child’s voice, hence immaturity. Even if you were born with a naturally high pitch voice, you can train it to lower your pitch, and I guarantee you will be pleased with your audience's response.
(4) Tempo. This is yet another powerful yet underutilised tool. You can adjust how fast or slow you speak to create a different response. Have you noticed voice talents in some TV commercials speak so fast you can barely understand what they are saying?...Fast speech creates a sense of urgency - rush to get this special discount right now or you’ll miss out! In social settings, it is best to match the tempo of your speech to that of others to strengthen the rapport I mentioned earlier.
Use humour
Don’t you love people with a great sense of humour? I know I do :-)
There are several different types of humour and every person’s preference depends on their taste. This is a fine line however, as the wrong type of humour can be found tasteless or even offensive. The safest humour to cheer up a conversation is the wit-silly-wordplay type (my definition) often called dry or quirky humour - when you say something nonsensical and hilariously funny with a straight face without a blink, or you play with the different meanings of a word using it in the wrong context. It is best to stay away from the risqué and crude jokes, unless you are in a familiar company and know your friends won’t feel uncomfortable or offended.
Practise dry humour in your communication and learn to see the funny side of life to lighten up your spirit. I love being around people who can laugh easily. They are relaxed, approachable, open, confident and never self-conscious, which is a great example to follow and model on.
If you make a mistake or commit a faux-pas – admit it with humour! Put a funny spin on what has just happened and laugh it off with others, and your precious ego will soon forget about just being bruised.
Use humour to diffuse tension and awkward situations – its tickling energy works like magic! When you crack a joke or say something funny in front of a group of grumpy people, laughter will quickly change their mood thanks to the endorphins* it will instantly release. It’s a scientific fact that you can’t laugh and be angry or said at the same time. Try it and you’ll see!
Humour is such a magnetic attractor when used wisely.
Learn body language
Learn the nuances of body language to send and receive subtle messages about your and others’ engagement in the conversation. It’s a powerful communication tool speaking to us at the unconscious level. Certain body postures will resonate energetically with the person you are speaking with in a positive or negative way.
For example, when you mirror someone – say, with your legs, arms or body position - this sends a signal of a good rapport and being in sync with the other person. Notice if their feet are pointing towards you or away from you - that’s an indication of their level of interest in the conversation or… in you, for that matter. When someone folds their arms across the chest, they don’t feel comfortable and create an energetic barrier. Soften the tone of your voice and pull back, giving them more space both physically and in the conversation, until they feel safe and relax, unfolding their arms.
Most people have some understanding of the signals of body language; yet few are aware of its most useful application:
Unless consciously manipulated, the person’s body language will reveal an incongruence between their words and thoughts, which signals that they are not open or honest in their communication.
Why? Because words are created by the conscious mind while thoughts are linked to emotions arising from the unconscious part of the psyche. If someone says: I’m very interested in your proposal and will call you next week to discuss, while their feet, eyes and body orientation tell a different story, you know that they don’t intend to call you and are dishonest under the disguise of being polite.
Communicate by proxy
Show me your home, your room or study, your office, your desk, your car, even your gym locker– and I will know more about you than you might want to disclose!
I coined the term by proxy communication during my postgraduate communication studies to fill the classification gap on this continuum. By proxy means indirectly, via an external agency, which in this case is our immediate personal environment or personal space.
My premise is that our immediate personal space is an extension of our being, reflecting our personality, character, preferences, likes and dislikes, beliefs, values, standards, fears and attitudes, even our emotional states and moods - and as such it is an integral element of our interpersonal communication.
Our energy, our thoughts and emotions are imprinted on it through the unconscious selection and organisation of our personal space, which literally becomes an extension of our human and spiritual being.
The beauty of by proxy communication is that it both sends and receives information at the unconscious level, so people will learn something about you from your personal space - a message you have deliberately created.
And the kicker is that you can manipulate this information to send ongoing positive messages to others about yourself, to create your personal vibe.
A clean, well-organised, inviting, decorated with attractive or unexpected art pieces and stunning colours, spacious, sunny home with indoor plants, comfy and practical furniture reflects a person I would like to meet, as I can sense a kindred soul the moment I walk in to their house before we even start talking.
Key Takeaway
The main takeaway here is Strategy Number One - which governs all other strategies.
If you keep in mind that communication is a flow of energy carrying information at many different levels both conscious and unconscious which can be controlled and managed – you can’t go wrong; and by applying the other seven strategies you will not only master your communication skill to a whole new level, but you will also make it magnetic.
* Endorphins are the body's neurotransmitters stimulating feelings of pleasure, wellbeing and pain relief. Laughter is one of the key triggers releasing endorphins into the bloodstream. The other triggers are: vigorous exercise; chocolate; chili peppers; red wine; meditation; massage; and sex.
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